Wedding Etiquette FAQ's

Got questions? Here is a list of questions regarding etiquette that are frequently asked by couples and guests while planning their engagement, wedding day and reception.

Q: Due to space and budget, we don't wish to invite children to our wedding. How can we do this without appearing rude?

A: There is no correct way to state this on your invitations. The best way is to send your invitations in double envelopes and put the invited adult names on the inner envelope. If you have an insert with the reception information, add that you regret it, but you can not include children at your wedding ceremony and/or reception.

Q: I will be attending a wedding in October and have a gorgeous black velvet dress I'd like to wear. Is this appropriate?

A: Old rules don't apply when it comes to wearing black or white to weddings. The "little black dress" can be worn as well as a white dress, provided it's simple and doesn't compete with the bride.

Q: We would like to have an open bar with free drinks at our reception but cannot afford it. Should we have our guests buy their own drinks?

A: Having an all cash bar is generally not the way to go and it may cause some disgruntled guests. Having an open bar with free drinks for the first hour is one option. The downside is that not everyone in the wedding party is always there as they may be out carousing around. A second option is handing out two drink tickets per adult.

Q: I'm getting married for the second time. Is it okay if I wear a white gown?

A: Times have changed. Brides may wear any color they choose. Most second weddings are not as formal as the first time around so you may wish to reflect that in the style you choose.

Q: I am an older, first-time bride. In my younger years, I was invited to and attended several weddings. My question is, do we need to include these people on our guest list?

A: That depends on your budget and if you see these people regularly. Falling out of touch is a natural process so you do not need to invite those you no longer have contact with.

Q: I was engaged to be married but called it off two weeks before the wedding. We have received several engagement and wedding gifts. Do we need to give them back? What about my ring?

A: The gifts were given for your future together. It's only appropriate that you return them with a short note thanking them but that you regret to tell them the wedding is off. As far as the ring, if the bride breaks off the engagement, she needs to give back the ring back. If the groom breaks it off, it's still a good idea to return the ring -- but it's your choice, not his.

Q: Is it mandatory to open gifts at our wedding reception?

A: Absolutely not. In fact, it's appropriate only at smaller weddings. Couples receiving many gifts often wait until the next day or after their honeymoon to avoid interrupting their party.

Q: Should we invite ex-spouses or in-laws to our wedding?

A: Tread carefully here. It depends on how amicable your relationships are. Talk this over with everyone involved and if everyone agrees, you can make it work.

Bridal Shower Etiquette

Q: If I'm invited to several bridal showers for the same bride. Do I need to buy a gift for each of them?

A: A gift is required only if you attend a bridal shower. You can attend only the shower you feel is most important and bring a gift, or attend a few and choose modest gifts to offset the cost.

Q: I am matron of honor in a wedding and cannot afford the cost of the shower. Can I hold the shower and present the bridesmaids with their portion of the bill afterwards?

A: It is rude to hand out "bills" if this wasn't discussed. The bridal shower costs are usually divided but must be agreed upon beforehand. Attendants are usually more than willing to pitch in so you can designate an expense to each one or divide the bill after the shower. Whatever is decided, do not settle up in the presence of the bride.

Q: I'm ready to throw a bridal shower but my apartment is small and I'm short on space. The other attendants live out of town. Is it proper etiquette to hold the shower at the bride's mother's house if she agrees? The bride also lives there.

A: It's perfectly fine to hold the shower at the bride's house as long as no one else sees a problem with it. Ask mom to help out so the bride will not have to clean up. If this is to be a surprise shower, it will be harder to pull off. On the plus side, the bride won't have to load up and transport her gifts home!

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